Queering Your Fiscal Values pt. 3 with Sheena Midori Brevig
We’re continuing our series on identifying & sharing your personal financial values before building your nest or cohabitating. This round, we’re focusing on how to self-regulate within growth with your partner or primary financial co-pilot. We chatted with Sheena Midori Brevig, coach & self-actualizer, about talking through the teachable terrific & tough spots.
Quench Finance: Adjusting our self-talk can be difficult when we have absorbed shame about our identities for a long time. This can be quite a roadblock when we’re updating our self-worth internally, figuring out who we are in the present, & demonstrating this externally with our money values instead of relying only on net worth. Do you have any beginner strategies for changing how we speak to ourselves, particularly about our sexualities/gender expression?
Sheena Midori Brevig: The first step with anything is awareness. Reshaping our self-talk can be challenging because that voice is often so loud! We [also] often hear this negative self-talk & think it’s true, [then] believe it without question. But when we can recognize that the voice [does not have] to be listened to — as much as it tries to convince us of [otherwise] — it allows us to not be ruled by it. Meditation practices are great when trying to create that space we need to stop self-identifying with that voice. People often say “talk to yourself like you would to a friend,” and I believe this is a great mindset to adopt. Not only is it important to talk to yourself lovingly, but when that voice inevitably pops up, stick up for yourself instead of letting it bully you. I’ve legit had conversations with that voice in my head & said “that was really disrespectful & rude. I understand you’re trying to help but I’d appreciate it if you didn’t interject with that negativity.” …Then adding positives about yourself. (Laughs) It can seem so silly but it helps.
QF: In QTBILPOC communities, money & responsibilities are shared in ways that don’t always reflect Western values. How would you encourage someone who is beginning to develop boundaries surrounding finance & is changing their habits within a framework that challenges or pushes against expectations?
SMB: While cultural & familial values play important roles in our lives, ultimately we get to choose where our priorities lie & what we value. A lot of the work I do surrounds how we can live most aligned to our needs & wants even if that goes against the grain. You may value a certain standard or quality of life that deviates from your family’s history of socioeconomic status. When that’s the case &, for example, valuing making money is higher on the priority list, there can be a sense of disconnection or alienation from your roots that accompanies these types of changes. When our behaviors change in a way that is different [from] what others expected of us in the past, it can be jarring for those other people as well. It’s important to have compassion for the people who may push back because on some level it can feel like you’re straying from the “pack,” so to speak. That can feel like you’re leaving them behind to pursue a ‘different’ life which can be painful for some. You have to learn to trust yourself in knowing what is best for you while acknowledging the experiences of others as valid.
QF: Oftentimes, in wider LGBT society, there’s this unexamined pressure to Come Out, which isn’t always prudent or wise for QTBILPOC given our financial obligations, family networks, social mores, cultural heritage &/or baggage, etc. The concept of Inviting In was coined by David Johns of the National Black Justice Coalition. Inviting In is where QTBILPOC focus on disclosing to trusted individuals rather than their entire network or family of origin. How might someone respond to uninvited judgment related to their decision to remain discerning about sharing their identity, especially when those outside opinions are shaming?
SMB: Thanks for sharing this idea of “inviting in,” I love that! I think the greatest gift we can give ourselves is to be the most authentic versions of ourselves & live life fully in this way. However, some people might have circumstances where it’s not actually safe to “come out” or they simply might be a more private person. That’s why I love this idea. It really is a bummer to me that so many people within the LGBTQ+ community can be judgemental of others. As a bi+ identifying person, I’ve grappled with biphobia from both the gay & straight communites. It’s really a shame that there is still so much judgment, fear, & misunderstanding, even within our communities. But at the end of the day, your sexual orientation is 100% your personal business. It depends on the pushback, but your response can be as simple as saying “I’m not comfortable sharing this part of my life with just anyone.” I so badly wish everyone could safely be their true selves unapologetically, but the reality is that our society isn’t there yet. No one else should dictate how you come out & who you share that with but you.
QF: If we only address the symptoms or affects/effects of our behavior, we only manifest partial healing, how can partners or primaries keep the lines of communication open when fatigue or other factors take them off their path?
SMB: I feel like a broken record, but coming from a place of compassion seems to always be the key. If you find yourself straying, burnt out, needing to slow down to prioritize self-care, do it. Understand that we all have seasons of productivity & then seasons of slowing down & both are necessary [as well as] healthy. If you are experiencing this & it impacts expectations set in a partnership it’s important to acknowledge “hey, I’m having a hard time with (hitting those goals or expectations we set), can we chat about this so I can create room for rest, but not feel like I’m letting you, & us, down?” If you’re the partner noticing a loved one struggling, approach the conversation from a place of love & not blame or shame. Instead of pointing out places where they’ve slipped or aren’t “performing” as expected, recognize if they’re needing more time for self-care, [also] ask them what they need, & how you can best support them.
QF: How do folx accomplish mutual accountability without resorting to blame either verbally or passive-aggressively?
SMB: The example I gave in the last question can definitely be applied to mutual accountability as well. We often are the most stern on ourselves & the people we love. Applying my signature four-step C.O.R.E. framework is a great way to approach these types of conversations. That way you give yourself the time & space to process the situation, acknowledge your feelings, & then respond from a grounded place instead of a reactive place. But it is also a lot of the coaching work I do with folx because it can be tricky to navigate when you’re stuck in old patterns & reactive ways of being. Things always feel bigger & more intense in the heat of the moment, so if you can give yourself some time [as well as] space, not to ignore the issue, but to simply come from a calmer headspace, that can do wonders for difficult conversations. Also keeping in mind that being human means being imperfect & to be loving is embracing all of that in both your partner(s) & yourself.
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Sheena Midori Brevig @sheenamidori (she/her) is a storyteller & relationship coach. Sheena’s goal as a coach is to empower others in her community by increasing collective social emotional intelligence through workshops, as well as 1 on 1 coaching. Sheena is a creative entrepreneur, passionate about exploring the intersection of neuroscience & storytelling. As a social impact filmmaker, she leverages art to increase dialogue & fight stigma around mental health, particularly for her queer, Asian/mixed-race, & disability communities.
Full Disclosure: Brevig & our author, Tash Moore, have worked together as coach & client. All views stated in this conversation are their own & not the organizations or individuals described/referenced for context.
