Queering Your Fiscal Values pt. 2 with Sheena Midori Brevig
We’re continuing our series on identifying & sharing your personal financial values before building your nest. This jaunt, we’re focusing on how to share meaningful growth with your partner or primary financial co-pilot. We chatted with Sheena Midori Brevig, coach & self-actualizer, about talking through the teachable terrific & tough spots.
Quench Finance: When couples or polycules begin navigating finances (including values, occupations, spending habits, etc), how can they maintain active support for one another without judgment?
Sheena Midori Brevig: I have two things I invite couples/polycules to think about when approaching these conversations. The first is that it’s more important [to] the relationship to be a friend to that person than to be “right.” For many of us — ahem, myself included — , we want to be right, & defend our position until we’ve convinced the other person they are wrong & we are right! Studies have shown, however, that being a friend over being “right” is a consistent practice observed in healthy long-term partnerships. If you think about it, usually if you’re defending yourself as being “right” then you’re probably not being compassionate or supportive which is what being a friend means. I keep using “right” in quotation marks because the second thing we must remember is that our experiences of what is “right” or “best” is colored by our life experiences, cultures, family, & society. You might have an idea of “best” money practices that might differ from a partner’s if their upbringing around money values were different. Sometimes we really do know more about finances than another partner, but it’s so important in that instance to not make the other person feel dumb or incapable, & also be open to the fact that you don’t know everything, a& maybe that person might still have some insight that is beneficial to the conversation. Again, remembering that we all come from colorful & different backgrounds [as well as] perspectives, that can add to the conversation. Choosing to be a good friend in conversations [is] what I believe to be [most] important in approaching money conversations.
QF: What would you say to a couple/polycule planning their first money date? What would you consider top priority in conversation & what would you encourage them to come back to again or later?
SMB: A topic of conversation recently in my coaching sessions has been intention. We often think about things like “what’s my goal in this conversation” & it might be something like “to get the other person to X, Y, or Z.” While that can be an outcome we hope for, thinking of goals in this way isn’t supportive or helpful because we have absolutely zero control of how the other person responds or behaves. That is why I often ask my coachees who do they want to BE in the conversation? What do they want to get out of it? With something like a money date, I’d suggest focusing on intentions such as:
I want to learn more about my partner.
I want to see where our values align & where they might not.
I want to be kind & compassionate.
When we get clear on these types of intentions going into a conversation, they allow us to stay grounded in the things that we can achieve regardless of where the conversation goes or what comes up. I’m not a money expert, but I believe these are important questions in general when building relationships, & can definitely be applied to a first money date.
QF: Three details partners or primaries can ask one another center what they Earn, Own, & Owe; how can these subjects be tackled with compassion?
SMB: Once again, it’s so important to approach these conversations with an open heart & without judgment. Especially when discussing debt, many people carry shame around it, & creating a safe, loving space where the person doesn’t feel they will be shamed is very important. If they’ve made poor money choices in the past, for many of us this comes from a place of necessity &/or a lack of information. I know many people (particularly those who have immigrant parents), who were told as young people to “put it on the credit card” & just “pay the minimum fee.” Then suddenly they’re on their own with a lot of debt. You never fully know people’s history or upbringing around money, & the only way to start working towards positive habits is to be able to talk about it. I often work with clients to support them in being able to take a step back from the emotional situation at hand & instead recognize it as an experience they’re having, & not a reflection on who they are as a person. Separating what someone Earns, Owns, and Owes from who they are as a person is SO important, & often difficult when we’re raised in a capitalist country & mindset.
QF: You share your C.O.R.E. principle, Clarify, Own, Reframe, & Embrace. How can this apply to ironing out arguments surrounding money?
SMB: What I love about my C.O.R.E. process, is that it truly can be applied to anything! Regarding money, oftentimes money is the thing we’re arguing about, when there are other underlying issues at hand (ie: feeling unimportant, disconnected, disrespected, etc.). The first step, Clarify, is where you have to look at the issue and get really clear on what emotions & underlying problems may be at play that aren’t being addressed. Asking yourself “why are we arguing about this, why is this a problem” and then you might discover the answer isn’t “because they’re spending too much” but it’s because “we want to save up for a downpayment & the way they’re spending feels like this isn’t [as] important to them, which makes me & our future plans feel unimportant.” THAT is a very very different conversation!! “Owning” is about looking at where you might be pointing fingers outward, instead of taking responsibility for your own behaviors & actions:
Where haven’t you been as compassionate?
Where have you let your bad habits slide, but you’re stern on your partner for the same things? (This one I’m often guilty of for sure.)
When we can acknowledge our own shortcomings it feels like a more even playing field & it’s vital we feel we are equals in these types of conversations. This is where we take a step back & try to see the situation from our partner’s [POV] or simply another perspective. Trying to see where you might be narrow-minded & find areas [where] you can be more open. The final step is to Embrace everything. That includes the messiness of difficult emotions & conversations. Once you’ve worked through the steps you should feel more grounded with more perspective & language to discuss things compassionately. If you don’t feel this way, oftentimes this means you need to go back & work through the steps again.
QF: Consistent transparency can be a difficult habit to practice, particularly in a society that encourages hyper-individuality. How do we not rely on the natural inclination to fall back onto individuality when trying to combine economic forces within relationships?
SMB: This is a big question that I think is very subjective to each partnership. I believe it is important for each person in a partnership to always retain some sense of agency & individuality. It’s very important [for] humans to feel self-sufficient. However, when trying to work towards common goals, & combining economic forces, consistently having open conversations around goals & values is key. If you can discuss what those common goals are, then you can see how each person can contribute to that goal in a way that feels good to everyone. If it’s a savings goal, it likely won’t be that each person is contributing the same dollar amount, but it could be the same percentage of a paycheck, depending on the situation. The clearer you can get on goals & expectations makes it easier to feel like a team, & that’s the mindset you want to be in with something like this. That we’re in this together & can likely do more together.
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Sheena Midori Brevig @sheenamidori (she/her) is a storyteller & relationship coach. Sheena’s goal as a coach is to empower others in her community by increasing collective social emotional intelligence through workshops, as well as 1 on 1 coaching. Sheena is a creative entrepreneur, passionate about exploring the intersection of neuroscience & storytelling. As a social impact filmmaker, she leverages art to increase dialogue & fight stigma around mental health, particularly for her queer, Asian/mixed-race, & disability communities.
